


Overdose

by Madhattie1312



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Johnlock Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-24
Updated: 2014-06-24
Packaged: 2018-02-06 02:57:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1841740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madhattie1312/pseuds/Madhattie1312
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock overdoses on heroin. John gets seriously pissed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Overdose

John, wasn't home. John was out, on a date. I couldn't stand the women he dated. One after another every time I drove one off another one came. It was such fun running them off. It always made him mad but it was worth it, to have him all to myself again. I heard the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. Two sets, I watched as they came into the door laughing and smiling. John looked over and had to do a double take. He was very surprised “Sherlock, what are you doing here I thought you said you were going out.” He tried to sound polite but was clearly annoyed. “Did I?” I pretended to think for a moment and shrugged. “Changed my mind.” He said something to the girl very quietly; she giggled and went to John’s room. John walked over to me and in a harsh whisper said “Don’t do that, don’t pretend this wasn't planned. I should have known better!”

“I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about.” I said as I stood up towering over him, making sure to look down my nose at him, then turned away to go towards the window. He absolutely hated it when I looked at him like that. I grinned, it was so fun to make John mad. “Yes! You do know! You said you weren't going to be here, and I was free bring my…what was it you called her a-a.” I finished the sentence for him “a foolish,sniveling, tart.” A high-pitched voice burst into our conversation “What did you call me?!” I turned around to see an angry, fake blond woman, with a history of drug abuse and a shopping addiction she couldn't afford. I looked down my nose at her as I placed my hands behind my back. I made sure to talk slow and enunciate every word “a foolish. Sniveling. Tart.” She gasped “well I never!”

“Oh yes you have don’t lie.” Her bottom lip started to quiver and her cheeks went bright red. I gave her a great big smile, to give her that last big push over the edge.She ran to the door and burst through it, John following calling “Melissa!” It made me laugh, I heard them arguing downstairs, then the door slamming, then the heavy footfalls of John slowly making his way back up. I made sure to make my face neutral before he came back in. I was already in trouble; I didn't need to be in more. He didn't look at me as he walked across the room to his chair and plopped down into it, running his hands over his face and sighing. “Do you hate me Sherlock, do you hate for me to be happy?” He laid his head back in his chair with his eyes closed as he asked the question. “Of course not, that’s why I made her leave.”

“Might I ask in what way that is going to make me happy?”

“She has a shopping addiction, a lot of debts, a history of drug abuse that can and probably will result in a relapse. Eventually it would have made you unhappy, so no thanks necessary I did it more for me than for you. I can’t have you walking around gloomy and distracted, I can’t afford to have you operating at anything but your very best.” His eyes snapped open and he lifted his head up. “It’s always got to be about you hasn't it? God forbid I get to just do something because I want to do it! All of those potential problems are just that and it should be my decision if I want to put up with them or not, not yours! No one is perfect, and they will never live up to your impossible standards so why don’t you leave my relationships alone and just-just sod off!” I just looked back at that angry face for a moment thinking why would anybody want to put up with that? Why not just avoid all possibilities? “You do.” I picked up my bow and started to resin it. “I do what?!”  
“Live up to my standards.” I made a show of paying extra attention to what I was doing and turned around to face the window as I was doing it. I did that a lot, I could always see his reflection in the window and gauge his reactions. He just stared at my back, dumbstruck. He opened his mouth to talk and closed it again, then just turned and walked into his room, where I heard the shower turn on, it was presumably a cold one.

After a day he wasn't angry anymore and after four my brain felt like it was melted candle wax. The annoying buzz of irritation growing rampant in my mind as seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned into hours and hours turned into days of nothing. Nothing could compare to this wretchedness, but I had something to ease it, John didn't know. I’d gotten it weeks ago, and found a new spot to hide it in. I waited until after John went to bed and got out a special set of tools for a special occasion. Only two things in this world could cure this feeling. And this was the other one, even the preparation brought on a sense of invigoration, the feel of it piercing my skin made me release a tense breath I felt like I’d been holding for days. I hid my supplies in their newest spot and shuffled to the living room to lay on my chair. And there was nothing, just sweet, quiet, nothing for hours. Then I heard my name, far away, I heard it again, it was John. It got louder and louder like a siren coming closer. Then in an instant my eyes burst open and my heart was pounding like it was going to break through my ribs and breath hit my lungs and it burned. My eyes were bleary and I tried to focus and I tried to breathe all at once, and it had never been so hard. Two blurry Johns turned into one clear John. One panic stricken John, I had never seen him so scared. There was something on my face and I wiped it off. I looked at my hand, it was vomit. I just stared at it, the gears were turning in my head, there was an obvious answer to its presence and yet I was unable to accept it. I measured perfectly this shouldn't have happened. My head was splitting, and my chest ached I looked down at the small hole in my chest. Adrenaline shot. John grabbed my face and made me look at him “are you okay?” I nodded a yes, I didn't think I could speak just yet, nothing felt right. John took my pulse for a quiet minute and somehow, miraculously picked me up. It was a struggle but he managed to get me into the shower. He sat me down, though my torso was bare my pajama bottoms were still on he turned the shower on cold. It hit me like ice shards and I groaned but didn't want to move to change it. “I am going to be back in five minutes, are you coherent enough to not drown yourself for that long?” The panic was now gone from his voice and replaced with a tone of mixed distress and anger. I gave him a nod. He walked out and by the time he got back the water didn't feel so horrible anymore. He turned the warm water on and grabbed a wash cloth getting whatever remained of my stomachs previous contents off me. After he was done he wrapped my arm around his shoulder holding it with one hand and wrapped the other around my waist to hold me up as we shuffled into my bedroom and onto my bed. He sat me down on it, threw the covers over my lap and got down on one knee as he stripped off the wet pajama bottoms. He moved my legs up onto the bed and covered the rest of me up. "Lie on your side Sherlock."

"Why?" He grabbed my body and forced me over to my side. "So you don't choke again." He paused "it's just for in case, now get some rest." He turned the light out and went to the other side of the bed where I felt him sit beside me. It was mere seconds before I was asleep again.

The next time I woke up the sun was high and it took a full minute to come completely to my senses. I rolled onto my back and rubbed my face with my hands. The first thought in my head was that John is going to be livid, the yelling would be infinite. I groaned, something moved on the bed beside me. I pulled my hands down and there was John's face leaning over mine "you alright?" He asked groggily. I nodded and moved to sit up. He moved to the other side of the bed and I heard him slide off and walk over to my side. He sat in front of me. The small movements from laying to sitting made my head spin in a wave of dizziness. I put my head in my hands, I felt Johns’ hand on my neck taking my pulse. Then he pulled my hands away from my face and looked into my eyes intently. “Tell me what you’re feeling right now.”“Fine” I shot him a look of annoyance as I said it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Sherlock tell me your exact physical state of being right now before I inject you with something much worse than heroin.” I examined him, he looked weary, tired, puffy eyes, dark circles, the scent of coffee, the same clothes as last night. He’d stayed awake by my side all night. A modicum of remorse pinched me, just enough to give him what he wanted. “The general symptoms, slight dizziness, trembling extremities, chest pain.” He nodded, “I’m going to get Mrs. Hudson, you stay here, I’ll have her make you some tea.” He stood up to leave. “I don’t want tea.” I snapped. He turned quickly on his heel and dropped his head to my eye level and got so close to my face our noses were almost touching. His voice was low and terse “I am going to send Mrs. Hudson in with some tea and breakfast and you will eat every last bite without complaint, in fact you are not going to say as much as one word to her is that understood?” I was surprised and annoyed and yet, I looked into his eyes and though I had seen undisguised hatred numerous times throughout my life I had never seen it like this, from him. For some reason that struck a chord somewhere that I didn’t like. I felt my face soften and I couldn’t hold his eyes anymore I looked away first and nodded. He grunted and left the room, I leaned back against the headboard with my eyes shut, soon after I heard the tinkling of china knocking together as Mrs. Hudson came into the room with a tray. “Oh dear you do look quite ill” She laid the tray on my lap. “He said you caught something awful last night, it must kill you not to be able to talk, losing your voice and all.” I heard John in my head “not so much as one word” So this was the beginning of my punishment, the endless chattering of Mrs. Hudson, while being forced to eat. Surely he’ll forgive me in a day or two, he always does.  
He didn't. It had been a week of absolute silence from John. He went out of his way to be home and nearby at all times. But wouldn't acknowledge anything I said, or that I was there in any way. He sat there reading or blogging, watching the television. He would talk to Mrs. Hudson polite as can be when she was there and the second she was gone he resumed the dark, angry expression that I was being forced to get accustomed to. If I tried to say anything to him he would ignore me entirely, if I was in his way he would just stand there waiting for me to move, he wouldn't even look me in the eye if I was right in front of him. It was like I was invisible, which was spot on for a punishment. I relished on attention, negative or positive didn't matter, having none at all, especially from John wounded me more than anything else could have. It made me want to use again. Something about this John brought on new emotions I’d never had to deal with before. Every passing day felt like a hand gripping my heart harder and harder, giving me an excruciating pressure on my chest. These were only ever emotions observed, never felt, they had no place in my life. And yet no matter what I tried they would not go away. At last I lost my temper yelling and screaming at him and he never budged. When that didn't work I snatched the paper he'd been reading out of his hand hoping he would get angry enough to as least fight back, but to no avail he simply got up and walked away to his room shutting the door and locking it. I could have picked it, it would have been so easy but I knew it wouldn't do any good. At that moment something snapped in me, I couldn't take it anymore. Not for another second, I would rather take the risk of not feeling anything anymore than to feel all of this at once. I went to my room and threw open the door, I went across the room and sat down in front of the floor board I hid it under. I unceremoniously lifted it up and threw it across the room. I reached my hand in and I felt nothing. It was empty, I checked a second time, this is definitely where I put after last time. I thought back recalling exactly as I had done that night after and I know that is where it should be. The logical side of me knew that it wasn’t here anymore, it had been taken. But there was a piece of me that was in so much pain and so angry beyond reason, it shadowed over the logic. I started to tear my room apart, every hiding spot I had ever made being ravaged. In the end I was staring at a floor littered with paper, books, drawers, clothes, and I was among them crumpled on the floor. Then I heard the door creak as it opened and I looked up. There was John, arms crossed leaning against the door frame. My voice was deep and low as I locked eyes with him and said “You had no right.” Blind rage flashed across his face, the likes of which I had never seen before on a person. He stalked over to me quickly and dropped to a knee in front of me grabbing my shirt collar and brought his fist down on me, once, twice, three times. I let him, it felt glorious for him to react, to be mad, to be anything but distant. John was staring down at me breathing deeply and dropped my shirt collar, I fell to the floor on my back. I felt blood drip down my chin, my lip stung. I sat up, the pain in my face growing with every passing second. He dropped back leaning against the wall and put his head in his hands. “Why are you doing this to me?” His voice was low, barely above a whisper. “I feel like that’s what I should be asking.” His head snapped up “Oh yes, Sherlock tell me, please, about how we should make this all about you!” His voice was dripping with venom. “Did you never once think about what it would do to me if something happened to you?” I looked at him, I know I’d thought about what it would do to me if John were gone once, I’d never thought about it again. “No.” He rose to his feet and glared down at me. “It nearly killed me Sherlock! For one brief minute you were in front of me not breathing, no heartbeat. You should be dead right now by all rights and yet here you sit. I almost lost you, and I sat up all night thinking of what that would be like thanks to you.”  
“I’m sorry John I did not think-“  
“Well that’s the problem isn't it?! FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE YOU DID NOT THINK!” His words made me flinch. “I Had NOTHING before you Sherlock, absolutely NOTHING I was ready to give up. And I met you, and you are an annoying, selfish , prideful , vain, obnoxious bastard and now that I have you in my life I have no life without you don’t you understand? You have given me everything…” Here his voice cracked and he cleared his throat and took a deep breath. His voice softened “And without you I have nothing again.” I saw a tear drop down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away with his sweater sleeve and left the room. I stood to go after him and stopped at the door, what do I say? What do I do in this situation? I had no idea, I stood there for minutes on end and could think of nothing. A tear dripped over onto my cheek, shame and guilt and pain engulfed me, pressure gripped at my chest making it ache and feel weighted. I shuffled over to the hole in my floor once more reaching in, hoping to discover I’d missed it only by centimeters before, but it was still empty.  
I did not rise from where I had sat all night. By the time dawn had come I decided that I could not face John. I could not bear to see him look at me with resentment and disappointment. Even the thought of it made my chest ache again. I got dressed and quickly and quietly left the flat, I went to Molly’s lab. I tried and failed to work on some experiments. I decided to put them off for now and offered my services to molly for the afternoon. She’d given up on conversation early in the day but as light turned to dark and the silence wore on, finally she broke. “Sherlock…has something…happened?” I looked up from the microscope at her and said nothing. “It’s just that, well, you look…” she looked down at the floor and back up again. “Very sad, is there anything I could do to help?”  
“Only if you can go back and change time, I know you capable of many things but I do not believe that is one of them.”  
“What did you do? If-if you don’t mind my…” Surprisingly I didn’t mind, I actually wanted to say it aloud. “I’d unintentionally hurt john, I’ve made him very…disappointed and I don’t know what to do to fix it.” I felt my face fall and didn’t have the energy required to feign my usual air of nonchalance. “Oh, I guess that’s why-“She just pointed to her face while she looked at mine. “Yes that is why.”  
“So it was your fault then?”  
“Yes.”  
“Well, he may be disappointed now but if you didn’t mean to do it he will forgive you.” I looked at her for a moment trying to decide whether or not I wanted to divulge more. “I overdosed Molly, for a minute John saw me dead. I obviously didn’t mean to, but I am the one who stuck in the needle, I should have been more careful.” Her hand rose to her mouth as she gasped. “Oh, Sherlock”  
“He said things, I can’t-” I sighed “I don’t know how to fix it Molly, I have never been in this situation before, I’m worried I will make things worse.” She dropped her hand and walked over to me. “The best thing you can do is show him you are sorry, in this kind of situation sometimes words aren’t enough. This may be hard for you, but try to not be…well…selfish.” I felt my brow furrow as I tried to understand. She looked at my expression and explained further. “Love is selfless Sherlock, it’s about caring enough about the other person to give up things you want to make them happy even if it makes you unhappy. Show him that you are sorry, words are fragile and no one believes them anymore. How can you tell when someone is truly being sincere or just saying what they need to, to get their way? I know you can tell, but not everyone can, and in this case, it’s what I would suggest.” She reached over and squeezed my hand, then went back to what she was doing. I sat there thinking of what she had said, love is selfless, neither love or selfless were words I would use to apply to my life in any way but what she said made sense. I let it linger in my mind as I finished up in the lab, it was late before we locked up to leave. When I arrived home, I walked in the door to find a pacing John. He saw me and stopped, “where have you been?”  
“At the lab with Molly.”  
“All day?” His expression of disbelief made me want to snap at him, I tried to contain it. “Yes you can text Molly and ask, for that matter why didn’t you just text me?”He narrowed his eyes at me grabbing his mobile out of his pocket and dialing holding a finger up at me, signaling to wait. Then I heard mine ringing, but not in my pocket, it was coming from my chair, sitting on the arm of it. I closed my eyes, how could I have forgotten, what must he think I’ve been up to? “It was an accident, I didn’t even notice that I didn’t have it.”  
“The most observant man in the world leaves for an entire day and doesn’t realize he’s forgotten his phone? Do you have any idea how that sounds after I found you desperately digging around for drugs in your room last night?”  
“I know how it sounds but I give you my word I have been at the lab with Molly all day.”He just looked at me arms crossed eyebrow cocked. He didn’t believe me, he had never before doubted me. I walked over to him and grabbed him by the arms and forced him to look up at me. “Look at me John, you’re a doctor do I have any symptoms?” He looked at me intently for a minute and then nodded letting out a breath and his features changed to relief. I let go of him and took off my coat and scarf tossing them onto my chair. “Please don’t do that again, it’s not like you to forget, I’d thought you’d done it on purpose.”  
“It was a good deduction, no matter how wrong.” I walked over to my window and saw his reflection. He smiled sheepishly and turned to go to the kitchen where I heard him put the kettle on for tea. I felt the grip loosen in my chest a bit, it was a start.  
It took another two weeks before things were back to normal. Well normal in the sense that we were acting towards each other the way we had before the overdose. He was talking to me again and we’d taken a small case. But something was different, I felt different, though it was hard to explain. The pain in my chest from the hurt had subsided but was replaced with a different kind of feeling. What people refer to as knots, being the best way to describe it. I found myself looking at John, really looking. It made the knots tighten when he smiled or laughed. The highest probability is that it must be part of what happens to people after near-death experiences. I read about it, there were described feelings of joy at ordinary everyday things. Why I didn’t feel that way about absolutely anything else was unknown to me, in fact that theory should be exhausted by now since it had been nearly a month since it had happened. But it was all I had to go on for the moment. In the meantime I tried to do what Molly suggested, be less selfish. Nothing had ever been so hard in my whole life. But I did notice a marked improvement in his mood, and after a time that made it less difficult to do. On more than one occasion I was on the verge of losing my temper or throwing a fit, but would simply stop and save the sulking for later when John wasn’t present. Sometimes you could see him bristle up waiting for it to happen and then looking at me curiously when it didn’t. Then the day came when he got a new girlfriend, I didn’t meet her until the third date which was an accident, as I had run into them while I was doing a little legwork for Lestrade on a case I had already solved but needed conclusive evidence for. He was obviously nervous but I was cordial, shook her hand and didn’t point out that she was obviously hung up on her ex-boyfriend. I left before it would leak out of its own accord. When he came home that night he asked about it, I said “I was in a hurry and didn’t have time for my regular deduction introduction.”  
“Just enough time to shake her hand, introduce yourself and bid her goodnight. You realize this makes absolutely no sense.”  
“Are you happy John?”  
“What?”  
“Are you happy that I didn’t do it?”  
“Well, yes.”  
“Then stop complaining about it or I won’t be inclined to do it next time.” He looked ready to ask me another question but I shot him a look that spoke for itself. It told him to stop pestering me else I should say something he really didn’t want to hear.” He put his hands up in surrender and sank into his chair with his computer. A few days after that he asked if he could bring her to the flat for dinner. “I won’t be leaving for the night if that’s what you’re hoping for but, yes she may come over without fear of being insulted or deduced.” I said it without looking up from the composition in front of me. “Are you feeling all right?”  
“Of course why wouldn’t I be?” I looked up at him, he looked baffled. “Because you’ve been acting very odd lately.”  
“Most people classify me as odd.” I looked back down to write in the next few notes. “No, I mean even more so than usual. You’ve been…quiet and calm and…nice. Honestly Sherlock it’s freaking me out a little bit.” I sighed and put down the sheet music; I moved to put it with my other pieces and went to take a seat in my chair with my violin. “I have been trying to make up to you the wrong I’d done you a month ago.” I couldn’t look at him as I said it. “I concluded a mere apology would not be enough, so I am trying to show you that I am sorry rather than just state to you that I am sorry.” I chanced a look up at him; he seemed surprised, “If however it is freaking you out.” I made air quotations here, “tell me what it is you would rather have me do and I’ll do it.” His eyebrows shot up then he walked over to me and squatted down in front of me and put his hand up on my forehead. He dropped his hand and looked at my eyes, he was examining them. I felt my pulse increase; I could feel my heart punching my ribcage. He lightly turned over my wrist and took my pulse. “Dilated pupils, increased heart rate, no temperature, but also no indication of drug use.” This was very familiar, I’d done this before, to someone else but it was me doing the checking not me being checked. I pulled my arm away quickly. I was panicking and trying very hard not to look it. Of all people, Watson is the one to figure it out but he probably hasn’t noticed that he’s done it yet. I quickly stood up and dropped the violin into the chair as I made my way over to the window. “If you rather I just apologized, as was my initial thought, I could do that instead, the only reason I didn’t is because I thought it would be insufficient and you wouldn’t believe me.”  
“Do whatever you want, just know that you have nothing to apologize for anymore. I was angry because I was scared, but I’ve long since forgiven you. I just wanted you to understand what it was I was saying to you, and it’s clear that you cared enough to listen. That’s all I needed, you’re free to be your old grumpy, self-absorbed self again.” I saw his reflection smile at me and turn to sit in his chair. “Though I do like the bit where you let me keep my girlfriend long term.”  
“Good thing you said that, had you not she would have been the first thing to go.” I saw him smile again from his chair. It made me smile in return though he didn’t see it. I went back to my chair grabbing my violin and playing a few happy pieces, ones I knew we both liked. He dropped his paper with a thoughtful expression in the middle of my fourth piece. “There’s something familiar…” He mumbled and then sat back thinking. “Something familiar about what?”  
“I don’t quite know exactly, tonight, something about tonight reminds me of a case I suppose.” My heart started beating hard and anxiety sky rocketed, I made a horrible screeching noise on the violin on accident and it surprised John, he cringed. I never begged before and even though I didn’t believe in any sort of deity I couldn’t help but say in my head. Don’t let him piece it together, Don’t let him figure it out. “Can you think of anything?” he asked. I pretended to think “No, not a thing.” He reached over and grabbed his laptop where I’m sure he was about to peruse through the cases in his blog to help jog his memory. I reached over and plucked it off his lap, “Hey, I was using that!”  
“Not anymore.” I got up and walked to my room. I heard him call from the living room “Didn’t take long to revert did it?” I sat on my bed with the laptop. He hadn't been there when it happened but I told him how it transpired. I confirmed Irene’s feeling for me doing what John had done, he just didn't know that’s what he was doing. He could be so obtuse sometimes but at other times... I couldn't risk it. I tossed it lightly to the end if my bed. It occurred to me that Molly had known too, in the lab that day she said when you love somebody. I hadn't thought of it romantically at the time but now, it makes sense. All my symptoms point to it but it seems difficult to accept. I am married to my work how will that be compromised if I'm in love with John. Saying the words in my head hit me like a brick. How had I not noticed it before, it was so obvious, for that matter how come he hadn't? Well that answer is a little easier to answer. He isn't gay, he's always very offended by people's assumption that he is, though I could never figure out why. Probably he cares too much what people think of him. What would he think of me if he found out? Doesn't matter, he won't. I've always been a good actor. I simply need act as I always have and find a way to bury anything I don’t want to be seen.  
Much easier decision than action apparently, whenever he came close to me I got nervous. When he smiled, laughed or grinned I was mesmerized. Whenever his girlfriend called I sneered. When he stayed with her overnight I raged. That was by far the hardest thing to deal with. The snake of jealous bit my heart pumping poison into it, and it wouldn't let go. He's always known my dislike for his relationships, this one in particular stung. It had lasted much longer than the others and I couldn't tell him all the dreadful things about her that I wanted to. One such night he left, and I couldn't sleep. My mind wouldn't stop reeling about what he was doing with her, I could only speculate what was going on but I wouldn't actually know until morning. Then the buzzing started, the horrible unmistakable feeling of stagnation flowing through my brain. I paced the apartment in debate with myself. Go get heroin or stay clean for John. Stay clean for John won out for next few hours but steadily the boredom and emotions combined into an army that swept over that decision like a tsunami. He was coming in as I was going out. "Where are you going?"  
"Out" I snapped at him. I pushed past him, down the stairs. I made a beeline to my dealer. The transaction was quick and I was back home within an hour. He was waiting for me as I had anticipated, looking tired. "Where have you been?" He didn't sound angry just curious. "I've had a very confusing puzzle of late, it's been going on a while and I can't figure it out. I went for a walk, new surroundings hoped it would help."  
"Anything I could help with? Maybe it would be easier if you had an outside opinion."  
"No Watson, I'm afraid you can't, I sincerely wish you could, but it is beyond you." He nodded "if that's all then good night." He turned to walk to his room. I sat on the couch, grateful that my good behavior granted me enough trust from John that he wasn't suspicious of me. He came back out, he had an expression of puzzlement “the Irene Adler case"  
“The what?”  
”The Irene Adler case, that’s where I remember the pulse and the pupils from. He looked at me curiously as seconds ticked by where I didn’t deny anything. His eyebrows raised in surprise, “You uh, do you?” He pointed at himself then me, then himself again. “Just say it Watson.” I had about me an air of calm that I absolutely didn’t feel. But I couldn’t let him believe it made me weak or stupid; he needed to think I could get on normally with my life with him regardless of how I feel. Even though I haven’t from the minute I knew I felt that way, I didn’t want him thinking differently of me. Well more than he already will after tonight. “You” He fidgeted “You, care for me.” I laced my fingers together in my lap and leaned back crossing my legs. “I’ve always cared for you Watson, that much is obvious. Just say it.”  
“You have feelings for me,” he paused “romantic feelings.”  
“Congratulations Watson, now that we’re passed that.” I stood up and walked towards him, and stopped in front of him. He took a nervous step back, the response stung, I closed my eyes momentarily and felt my teeth grind. “Now, this is simple, I have not made any other obvious shows of affections that will not change with your knowledge of them. I will not act or say or do anything any differently than I did before. If it makes you uncomfortable get over it or leave.” I looked away for the next part “I do not think I could bare it if you treated me differently for knowing, it would hurt more than anything else would. As I said if you are repulsed and can’t find it in you to treat me as I’m treating you then there’s the door, feel free to leave just as easily as you came.” I looked back at him sternly “This topic of conversation will never be breached again.” He looked stunned, but I didn’t stay to see if he had anything to say, I turned on my heel to go to my room and locked the door. I sat on the edge of my bed and took the supplies I had gotten earlier out of my pocket. I stared down at it, being bored was one thing, but these emotions…they were wearing me down much faster than boredom ever had. No wonder people didn’t think properly, how were you suppose to with this many things running rampant all it once? Part of me was relieved that he knew, the other part couldn’t stand that he thought less of me now because of it. I prepared my medicine and loaded it into the needle. I wanted nothing, I wanted sweet oblivion, I want to feel like I use to. Things were so uncomplicated before how had I let them get so out of hand? I used a vein where I knew he wouldn’t be able to see it later, and let the void take me. I felt better the next morning, like a small weight had been lifted. I had no plans for leaving the house and threw on a robe and slippers and went into the kitchen. I felt good enough to focus on a few experiments I’d thought of weeks ago and started to my work. Between the books and the microscope, quite a bit of time had gotten away from me, before long John came out of his room I felt myself tense, but he didn’t look at me. He just quietly went about his regular morning rituals. He sat in his chair with his newly acquired paper, and so the day started and went without much between. The only conversation between us was him asking if I wanted some tea and me responding with a terse “yes.” Other than that nothing happened until around ten that evening when my mobile went off. It was Lestrade, he wanted me at a scene, and this would be the real test. Can we work together without any awkwardness, and have my skills been dulled by the past few weeks? The scene was covered with officers; we made our way to the body. Female, age: 30-34, killed by one swift blow to the heart with a sharp object. She was in her pajamas, her wedding ring was absent from her finger, and there wasn’t much blood considering the wound. Husband: clear signs of duress, fidgeting, trying to cry, unconvincingly. I walked the room; there was a large painting missing from one wall. I walked to the master bedroom, there were things littered all over the room. I walked past it and went to the adjoining bathroom and checked the cabinet. A bottle of sleeping medicine caught my eye, it appeared to be new I checked the number of pills it contained, then the bottle. There were only eight missing. I put the bottle in an evidence bag and quickly checked the bin in the bathroom before I went back into the living room. I went up to Watson, “what do you see?” he pulled a little further away from the crowd. There isn’t enough blood I think the stab wound was made post mortem.” I took the evidence bag out of my pocket. “ I found these in the master bathroom, along with the wrapper for it in the trash, it was just opened and yet there eight pills missing. I believe there are two possibilities one is that the wife took them of her own accord but when the husband came home this evening and found her he quickly realized he couldn’t get any of the insurance money from her, so he dragged her down here and made it look like a burglary, where he could also collect on insurance for the missing painting and jewelry. In scenario two the husband purposely overdosed her, but yet again knowing he couldn’t cash in on a suicide, stabbed her after the fact. “Why not just stab her in the first place then?”  
“Too many things could have gone wrong, she might have fought back, which could add to evidence against him. Much safer and easier for him if she’s already dead.”  
“Then how did he get her to take all of the pills.?”  
“Probably with dinner…” I walked into the kitchen there were dishes in the sink. I grabbed Lestrade and explained my theories to him. “Check what’s left on the dishes, if there are any traces of these” I pulled the evidence bag out to give to him “ then the husband did it, if there isn’t she did but he still faked the burglary for insurance fraud. He’s been philandering for years, doesn’t care about his wife at all just her money. Also we believe the knife wound was made post mortem which is more evidence against him in court.” I left the crime scene feeling invigorated, it was a small success, but the point was I wasn’t adversely affected by John’s presence; in fact I wasn’t affected at all. My mind was completely focused on one thing and one thing only. And the minute we left his smile of victory brought on the usual side effects. I smiled in return, an enormous relief engulfed me, I had been worried my recent discovery of sentiment would hurt me greatly in my work. But I can put my mind where it needs to be, when I need to. We stopped to get dinner on the way home and brought it back to the flat. We had started talking about the case we’d just come from and it abruptly stopped when I saw a woman standing outside the door of our flat. My mood instantly went cloudy, John on the other hand brightened considerable. “I wasn’t expecting you!”  
“You should have, we made plans last week” she smiled “Oh yes, that’s right, I’m so sorry we’ve just been on a case I hope take out is okay?”  
“Yes certainly.” John opened the door I went to sit in my chair with my food. She walked over to me “It’s so nice to see you again, I hope I’m not intruding, John assured me he’d work it out with you, he can be so absent minded at times.” She grinned down at me like I was in on some inside joke, all I could think to say was yay, you know John, I know John isn’t that just splendid! I’m sure plenty of stuff slips through the conversational cracks with all the coitus going on in your apartment. It took all my recently acquired abilities in holding my tongue to not say it. So I merely gave her a stiff smile and nod before looking extremely interested in my dinner, which I was no longer in the mood to eat. She took the hint and went to talk to John. The conversation would have made me ill had I eaten. This woman was about as smart as a potato, listening to her talk was like listening to Anderson try to help on a case it was just ghastly. No more than ten minutes went by before I excused myself to the kitchen where I put up my food. I walked out to see her sitting on the arm of his chair, bent over kissing him. Jealousy struck anew, more intensely than I had ever felt it. I made sure to come into the living room rather noisily, they broke apart she laughed and blushed and apologized. He blushed but wouldn’t look me in the eye. “Well I know when I’m not wanted I’ll leave you to it.” That got his attention, he looked up at me “where are you going?” I gave him a look that said wouldn’t you like to know? But only for a moment before smoothing it over with a cordial smile, “just out, take your time, I’ll be late.” I turned towards the door then back again “on second thought make that the entire night I’ve just remembered I’ve got…”I paused for effect letting him know without a shadow of a doubt that my excuse was just that, an excuse. “Errands to run” John’s face dropped, he looked concerned “Surely they can wait for tomorrow, it’s late…”  
“As it turns out they can’t, I’ll see you in the morning.” I turned to go to the door as I opened it I called back, “Good night.” After I shut it I mumbled, “Try not to catch anything untoward this evening.” I went to a convenient house I knew of that evening that supplied beds and illicit drugs. I knew what I was doing was more out of spite than want, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t about to sit around watching them act like they were all night. The mere image of them kissing sent daggers into my chest, so once again I let oblivion take me, and I thoroughly hoped it was ruining his night knowing I was up to no good as much as he was ruining mine.  
When I came home the next morning, the house seemed empty. It was nearly three in the afternoon, I checked the house but it was empty. I thought it very likely that John was with his girlfriend. Even if he’d tried to tell me where he was I wouldn’t know. I turned my phone off when I got to the house last night. I went to the bathroom to shower. It helped the rest of my grogginess clear a little better. Then I went to the living room and grabbed my violin. I played through a lengthy piece before he came in the door. I was facing the window as I was playing so I watched him in the reflection of the glass. He seemed quite agitated but he didn’t say anything. He walked around the house doing nothing in particular, he looked like he was trying to seem like he was busy when he actually wasn’t doing anything. He finally gave up and stood across the room, hands on his hips “did you really have errands last night?”  
“Course not, I was just trying to leave, obviously you wanted privacy and I wasn’t about to sit in my room letting the sounds of the night keep me up.”  
“Well, she won’t be coming over again so there won’t be any more impromptu visits to wherever you went.”  
“You finally caught her talking to her ex-boyfriend then?” I turned around to look at him. He seemed taken aback. “No…we agreed to just meet at her place from now on…what do you mean about her ex-boyfriend?”  
“Oh, nothing, I’ve stopped interfering with your girlfriends remember?”  
“No, that is something I would like to know about.”  
“Well then, use those well-tuned, deductive skills you’ve learned and figure it out yourself, you didn’t want me interfering so I won’t.”  
“I swear Holmes if you’re doing this out of some petty jealousy-“ it took me only seconds to cross the room to him, grab his collar, and push him against the wall cutting off his sentence. I narrowed my eyes and gritted my teeth “first and final warning, I said the subject won’t be breached, do it again and you leave.” I took a deep breath “She’s been hung up on her ex since the first time I met her, they’re back on speaking terms, now make up your mind do you want to know these things or don’t you?” my voice had been low and menacing. He held my eyes for a second before looking away “no, I’ll manage.” I let go and went back to my window. I saw him glare at me from across the room for a minute before grabbing his coat and leaving. He came back in a few hours looking rather gloomy. “Bad fight or break up?” he glared daggers at me, “break up” he said as he went to his room and slammed the door. I let him be after that. He was gloomy for a while, I tried to cheer him up with easy cases to distract him and he would seem better for a while then go back into days of quiet broodishness. I wasn’t fond of him brooding I did it enough for the two of us on a regular basis and got particularly fed up with it one day as we were in the living room. He had a paper in hand and he was gripping it so tightly the edges were completely wrinkled up, it was a wonder he could read it at all. “Would you stop brooding John, it really is getting tedious now.”  
“Huh? What?” he dropped the paper so I could see his face, he hadn't been listening. “The brooding, isn't time you moved on?”  
“Moved on from what?” he looked at me curiously. “That ex-girlfriend, you've been moping for weeks.”  
“No, I've been over that for a while now.” Now I was confused, I steepled my hands under my chin what had I missed? “There’s nothing to be observed Sherlock, I’m fine.” He gave me a small smile of reassurance that wasn't at all convincing. “Why are you even trying to lie to me you should know better by now.” Now I was really curious, I could feel my face light up with a challenge, he was trying to hide something from me. “No-No! Don’t give me that look, I’ve got nothing for you figure out!” I saw his cheeks start to redden; he threw the paper back up in front of his face as a barrier. I grinned, so it was something embarrassing for him. I examined him really well, then thought very carefully about the past two weeks. “You like somebody, quite a bit, somebody we've seen a lot of lately, but you’re embarrassed about it.” I stood up and pulled the paper out of his hands, he cheeks were bright red now “stop it!” he stood up and tried to grab it back from me. “Oh come now, tell me who it is, you must have been seeing her behind my back, because no one we’ve been in contact with fits the bill.” He furrowed his brow “you don’t know?” he calmed, and looked a little relieved. “Oh, so I do know the person.” I walked the length of the room, recalling our outings, trying to piece together his behavior when in contact with any of the people we saw on a regular basis. Two minutes went by with no success, I looked at him curiously. “No one fits, I don’t understand.” He just stood there hands clenched by his sides, blushing. Then he locked eyes with me intently, he gave me a look that said “really?” Then it hit me, it was me. I was stunned into silence, so there we stood eyes locked. A few silent moments passed before I asked “Why didn’t you tell me?” He shrugged “It didn’t make sense, it still doesn’t. But the night we argued about you telling me about Megan, I went over there and wasn’t the least bit bothered about her or what you told me about her. I was upset about you, and I realized that wasn’t right, but I was. And I was worried, it made me nervous every time I left you at home, I was worried that I’d hurt you that night, I was scared you would use again. I realized how protective I was of you, and that’s how I should have felt about the women in the past I dated and I just haven’t, not anywhere close to that degree. Then I thought about that night, the night you overdosed, I’d always known I couldn’t live without you but I never thought about it romantically. That is, not until I found out you did.” He looked down at his feet, cheeks still crimsoned. “Then why didn’t you tell me if you knew how I felt?” He didn’t look up when he answered. “Because the last time I mentioned it you were so mad. I thought maybe you were ashamed of your feelings.”  
“I could never be ashamed of my feelings for you John.” He finally did look up at me then, and I saw his lips turn up into a smile. . I felt my heart racing in my chest, and an elation that I’d only felt before at solving a very difficult case. “John, I am about to do something…human, please forgive me.” It only took four strides to cross the room to him, the expression on his face a mixture of curiosity and surprise. I laid my hand on his cheek and bent down to kiss him. He was shocked into stillness at first, but a moment later, he was kissing me back softly at first then harder as he got onto his toes to lift up to my height and grabbed my hips pulling me to him. I felt a hand come up behind my neck holding me there, as if I would go somewhere if it weren't there. The sound of the front door opening pulled our faces apart to turn and look, but we were still embraced as Mrs. Hudson poked her head saying “I’m just going out to the-“ her eyes locked on us and widened as she stopped mid-sentence.. Her eyebrows shot up and then a huge grin quickly spread across her face. I walked to the door, “sorry Mrs. Hudson but we’re quite busy.” I gave her a mischievous grin and shut the door in her face. I heard her giggle joyfully from the other side as she walked down the stairs. I turned back to John, who was grinning and blushing. “Shall we pick up where we left off?”  
“God, yes.”


End file.
